ਬੈਰਾਗੁ vs depression

an old friend expressed concern over my mental state after reading my last few posts.  while i appreciate her concern, it made me think, maybe i better clear up any confusion on the difference between ਬੈਰਾਗੁ (bairag) and depression. 

ਬੈਰਾਗੁ is a condition of the soul, while depression is a condition of the mind.  depression is a feeling of hopelessness, while ਬੈਰਾਗੁ is all about hope, hope that you’ll be reunited with the beloved (waheguru).  ਬੈਰਾਗੁ is a blissful longing,  separation from guru sahib, and the desperate need to be reunited with him.  begging waheguru for his blessing while knowing that he loves to please his slaves.  it is ecstasy, a state of overwhelming emotion.  impossible to describe accurately.

depression is impossible if you remember waheguru.

ਭੈਰਉ ਮਹਲਾ ੫ ॥
Bhairao, Fifth Mehl:

ਤਉ ਕੜੀਐ ਜੇ ਹੋਵੈ ਬਾਹਰਿ ॥
We should feel sad, if God were beyond us.

ਤਉ ਕੜੀਐ ਜੇ ਵਿਸਰੈ ਨਰਹਰਿ ॥
We should feel sad, if we forget the Lord.

ਤਉ ਕੜੀਐ ਜੇ ਦੂਜਾ ਭਾਏ ॥
We should feel sad, if we are in love with duality.

ਕਿਆ ਕੜੀਐ ਜਾਂ ਰਹਿਆ ਸਮਾਏ ॥੧॥
But why should we feel sad? The Lord is pervading everywhere. ||1||

ਮਾਇਆ ਮੋਹਿ ਕੜੇ ਕੜਿ ਪਚਿਆ ॥
In love and attachment to Maya, the mortals are sad, and are consumed by sadness.

ਬਿਨੁ ਨਾਵੈ ਭ੍ਰਮਿ ਭ੍ਰਮਿ ਭ੍ਰਮਿ ਖਪਿਆ ॥੧॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥
Without the Name, they wander and wander and wander, and waste away. ||1||Pause||

ਤਉ ਕੜੀਐ ਜੇ ਦੂਜਾ ਕਰਤਾ ॥
We should feel sad, if there were another Creator Lord.

ਤਉ ਕੜੀਐ ਜੇ ਅਨਿਆਇ ਕੋ ਮਰਤਾ ॥
We should feel sad, if someone dies by injustice.

ਤਉ ਕੜੀਐ ਜੇ ਕਿਛੁ ਜਾਣੈ ਨਾਹੀ ॥
We should feel sad, if something were not known to the Lord.

ਕਿਆ ਕੜੀਐ ਜਾਂ ਭਰਪੂਰਿ ਸਮਾਹੀ ॥੨॥
But why should we feel sad? The Lord is totally permeating everywhere. ||2||

ਤਉ ਕੜੀਐ ਜੇ ਕਿਛੁ ਹੋਇ ਧਿਙਾਣੈ ॥
We should feel sad, if God were a tyrant.

ਤਉ ਕੜੀਐ ਜੇ ਭੂਲਿ ਰੰਞਾਣੈ ॥
We should feel sad, if He made us suffer by mistake.

ਗੁਰਿ ਕਹਿਆ ਜੋ ਹੋਇ ਸਭੁ ਪ੍ਰਭ ਤੇ ॥
The Guru says that whatever happens is all by God's Will.

ਤਬ ਕਾੜਾ ਛੋਡਿ ਅਚਿੰਤ ਹਮ ਸੋਤੇ ॥੩॥
So I have abandoned sadness, and I now sleep without anxiety. ||3||

ਪ੍ਰਭ ਤੂਹੈ ਠਾਕੁਰੁ ਸਭੁ ਕੋ ਤੇਰਾ ॥
O God, You alone are my Lord and Master; all belong to You.

ਜਿਉ ਭਾਵੈ ਤਿਉ ਕਰਹਿ ਨਿਬੇਰਾ ॥
According to Your Will, You pass judgment.

ਦੁਤੀਆ ਨਾਸਤਿ ਇਕੁ ਰਹਿਆ ਸਮਾਇ ॥
There is no other at all; the One Lord is permeating and pervading everywhere.

ਰਾਖਹੁ ਪੈਜ ਨਾਨਕ ਸਰਣਾਇ ॥੪॥੫॥੧੮॥
Please save Nanak's honor; I have come to Your Sanctuary. ||4||5||18||

as you can see, guru sahib uses the word ਕੜੀਐ, here, rather than bairag.  guru sahib says we should not feel sad (ਕੜੀਐ), because waheguru is always with us.  “i sleep without anxiety”.   bairag is knowing, accepting, god’s will as sweet.

ਗੋਂਡ ॥
Gond:

ਆਕਾਸਿ ਗਗਨੁ ਪਾਤਾਲਿ ਗਗਨੁ ਹੈ ਚਹੁ ਦਿਸਿ ਗਗਨੁ ਰਹਾਇਲੇ ॥
The Celestial Lord is in the Akaashic ethers of the skies, the Celestial Lord is in the nether regions of the underworld; in the four directions, the Celestial Lord is pervading.

ਆਨਦ ਮੂਲੁ ਸਦਾ ਪੁਰਖੋਤਮੁ ਘਟੁ ਬਿਨਸੈ ਗਗਨੁ ਨ ਜਾਇਲੇ ॥੧॥
The Supreme Lord God is forever the source of bliss. When the vessel of the body perishes, the Celestial Lord does not perish. ||1||

ਮੋਹਿ ਬੈਰਾਗੁ ਭਇਓ ॥
I have become sad,

ਇਹੁ ਜੀਉ ਆਇ ਕਹਾ ਗਇਓ ॥੧॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥
wondering where the soul comes from, and where it goes. ||1||Pause||

ਪੰਚ ਤਤੁ ਮਿਲਿ ਕਾਇਆ ਕੀਨ੍ਹ੍ਹੀ ਤਤੁ ਕਹਾ ਤੇ ਕੀਨੁ ਰੇ ॥
The body is formed from the union of the five tattvas; but where were the five tattvas created?

ਕਰਮ ਬਧ ਤੁਮ ਜੀਉ ਕਹਤ ਹੌ ਕਰਮਹਿ ਕਿਨਿ ਜੀਉ ਦੀਨੁ ਰੇ ॥੨॥
You say that the soul is tied to its karma, but who gave karma to the body? ||2||

ਹਰਿ ਮਹਿ ਤਨੁ ਹੈ ਤਨ ਮਹਿ ਹਰਿ ਹੈ ਸਰਬ ਨਿਰੰਤਰਿ ਸੋਇ ਰੇ ॥
The body is contained in the Lord, and the Lord is contained in the body. He is permeating within all.

ਕਹਿ ਕਬੀਰ ਰਾਮ ਨਾਮੁ ਨ ਛੋਡਉ ਸਹਜੇ ਹੋਇ ਸੁ ਹੋਇ ਰੇ ॥੩॥੩॥
Says Kabeer, I shall not renounce the Lord's Name. I shall accept whatever happens. ||3||3||

i hope that clears up any confusion, and i do appreciate the concern, but it’s unwarranted. :)

ਤਿਸੁ ਬਿਨੁ ਘੜੀ ਨ ਜੀਵਦੀ ਦੁਖੀ ਰੈਣਿ ਵਿਹਾਇ ॥

Without Him, I cannot survive even for an instant, and my life-night passes in anguish.

i’m in such a state of ਦੁਖ, of anguish and pain.  every day i beg for guru sahib’s kirpa, but it doesn’t come.  i have so much karma to atone for.  i know this is the source of my pain, my sadness, my distance from guru sahib.  what can i do to salvage my ragged soul?  my ardaas is a mess of tears and begging and bargaining, as though one can bargain with god.  guru sahib, why can’t i be in your ਨਦਰਿ, your sight, your glance of grace?  is this ਬੈਰਾਗੁ ?   but shouldn’t bairag be blissful longing?  is that even possible?   it’s so painful, this separation, this ਵਿਜੋਗੁ. i plough through my nitnem as though it’s a chore, rather than the blessing i know it is.  even simran seems forced.  ਵਾਹਿਗੁਰੂ only comes from my lips in agony, when it should be an expression of joy.  my daily tasks seem insurmountable.  living in this world of maya seems so pointless. i’m trapped in ਤ੍ਰਿਹੁ ਗੁਣ, and the fourth state seems impossible to find.  without guru sahib’s kirpa, i can’t stand to live.

ਕਬੀਰ ਮੁਹਿ ਮਰਨੇ ਕਾ ਚਾਉ ਹੈ ਮਰਉ ਤ ਹਰਿ ਕੈ ਦੁਆਰ ॥ ਮਤ ਹਰਿ ਪੂਛੈ ਕਉਨੁ ਹੈ ਪਰਾ ਹਮਾਰੈ ਬਾਰ ॥੬੧॥ Kabeer, I long to die; let me die at the Lord's Door. I hope that the Lord does not ask, "Who is this, lying at my door?" ||61||

i wish i could channel this ਬੈਰਾਗੁ into something useful.  i try to practice keertan, but the only thing that comes out of my mouth is:

ਮਨ ਕਿਉ ਬੈਰਾਗੁ ਕਰਹਿਗਾ ਸਤਿਗੁਰੁ ਮੇਰਾ ਪੂਰਾ ॥
O my mind, why are you so sad? My True Guru is Perfect.

and yet guru sahib’s perfection seems so far from me, so inaccessible, my longing for a taste of it takes over my life, my every waking moment is consumed with sadness. 

ਰੋਮਿ ਰੋਮਿ ਮਨਿ ਤਨਿ ਇਕ ਬੇਦਨ ਮੈ ਪ੍ਰਭ ਦੇਖੇ ਬਿਨੁ ਨੀਦ ਨ ਪਈਆ ॥
Each and every hair on my head, and my mind and body, suffer the pains of separation; without seeing my God, I cannot sleep.

ਬੈਦਕ ਨਾਟਿਕ ਦੇਖਿ ਭੁਲਾਨੇ ਮੈ ਹਿਰਦੈ ਮਨਿ ਤਨਿ ਪ੍ਰੇਮ ਪੀਰ ਲਗਈਆ ॥੨॥
The doctors and healers look at me, and are perplexed. Within my heart, mind and body, I feel the pain of divine love. ||2||

waheguru ji, kirpa karo.  kirpa karo ji, save me or kill me.  naam baksho, darshan baksho.  kirpa karo ji.  kirpa karo.

 

the guru’s door

i wish we had a proper gurdwara here. what we have instead is a once a month keertan program in a rented church hall. once a month. if i miss it, i’m out of luck for the next month. but when i go… well, let’s say it’s not what i hoped.

the keertan is lovely, of course. and there are a handful of gursikhs, which makes me smile. but otherwise… well i’ll hold my tongue, being judgmental isn’t good for me. let’s just say it’s more of a social scene than a gurdwara.

this morning i put on a fancy suit, and realized i think all week about what to wear, have they seen this suit, etc, etc… so changed into my most plain suit. who cares. i can’t be like that, i’m going for guru sahib, not for people.

it’s always a mixed blessing. the beautiful keertan, the sangat of gursikhs, and then overwhelming desire to judge those who seem not fortunate enough to have too much of guru sahib’s kirpa. i can’t judge. tomorrow, they could stop cutting their hair. tomorrow, they could stop drinking. tomorrow, they could become sikhs. anything is possible. in the end, it’s all up to guru sahib.

ਆਪਿ ਕਰੇ ਤੈ ਆਪਿ ਕਰਾਏ ॥

He Himself does, and causes others to do.

ਆਪੇ ਗੁਰਮੁਖਿ ਨਾਮੁ ਵਸਾਏ ॥
He Himself enshrines His Name in the mind of the Gurmukh.

ਆਪਿ ਭੁਲਾਵੈ ਆਪਿ ਮਾਰਗਿ ਪਾਏ ॥
He Himself misleads us, and He Himself puts us back on the Path.

ਸਚੈ ਸਬਦਿ ਸਚਿ ਸਮਾਏ ॥੪॥
Through the True Word of the Shabad, we merge into the True Lord. ||4||

ਧਨੰ ਗੁਰੂ ਧਨੰ ਗੁਰੂ ਪੀਆਰੇ

ਧਨੰ ਸ੍ਰੀ ਗੁਰੂ ਨਾਨਕ ਸਾਹਿਬ ਜੀ
ਧਨੰ ਸ੍ਰੀ ਗੁਰੂ ਅੰਗਦ ਸਾਹਿਬ ਜੀ
ਧਨੰ ਸ੍ਰੀ ਗੁਰੂ ਅਮਰਦਾਸ ਸਾਹਿਬ ਜੀ
ਧਨੰ ਸ੍ਰੀ ਗੁਰੂ ਰਾਮਦਾਸ ਸਾਹਿਬ ਜੀ
ਧਨੰ ਸ੍ਰੀ ਗੁਰੂ ਅਰਜਨ ਸਾਹਿਬ ਜੀ
ਧਨੰ ਸ੍ਰੀ ਗੁਰੂ ਹਰਿਗੋਬਿੰਦ ਸਾਹਿਬ ਜੀ
ਧਨੰ ਸ੍ਰੀ ਗੁਰੂ ਹਰਿਰਾਇ ਸਾਹਿਬ ਜੀ
ਧਨੰ ਸ੍ਰੀ ਗੁਰੂ ਹਰਿਕ੍ਰਿਸ਼ਨ ਸਾਹਿਬ ਜੀ
ਧਨੰ ਸ੍ਰੀ ਗੁਰੂ ਤੇਗ ਬਹਾਦਰ ਸਾਹਿਬ ਜੀ
ਧਨੰ ਸ੍ਰੀ ਗੁਰੂ ਗੋਬਿੰਦ ਸਿੰਘ ਸਾਹਿਬ ਜੀ
ਧਨੰ ਸ੍ਰੀ ਗੁਰੂ ਗ੍ਰੰਥ ਸਾਹਿਬ ਜੀ

it took me some time to figure out how to spell all of the names. i hope i spelled them right…  please please let me know if i made any mistakes!

kill me

ਅਬ ਹਮ ਚਲੀ ਠਾਕੁਰ ਪਹਿ ਹਾਰਿ ॥
Now, I have come, exhausted, to my Lord and Master.

ਜਬ ਹਮ ਸਰਣਿ ਪ੍ਰਭੂ ਕੀ ਆਈ ਰਾਖੁ ਪ੍ਰਭੂ ਭਾਵੈ ਮਾਰਿ ॥੧॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥
Now that I have come seeking Your Sanctuary, God, please, either save me, or kill me. ||1||Pause||

save me or kill me.  i have these lines stuck in my head way too often lately.   save me or kill me.  the pain of separation from waheguru is just too much to bear.  pita jee, please hear my ardaas, i’m exhausted, please…  save me, or kill me.  life without you is unthinkable.  

i keep remembering a line from a song by KT Tunstall… 

Buries her soul in one embrace
They're one and the same
Just like water

i want this embrace pita jee…  let my drop merge into your ocean.  one and the same, just like water. 

save me, or kill me.

making changes

i haven’t written anything on my blog in forever and a day.  it seems like “microblogging” fits better in my lifestyle.  no reason i can’t do that here.  so goodbye to long thoughtful posts, and hello to short, sweet, and totally random thoughts.

the keski club

as anyone with eyes can see, i wear a dastaar. dastaar, pagh, keski, turban, dumalla... call it what you will, every morning i choose to wrap 10-15 meters of cloth around my head out of respect and love for my Guru.
in Texas, this makes me slightly more interesting to passers by, but it doesn't really seem to effect the way people treat me. i guess i'm lucky in that.
now i'm in Amritsar, a city FILLED with Sikhs, there are turbans every where i look. but 99% of them are attached to men. where are all of my dastaar-wale sisters? if i look hard, i might see a bibi in a tiny keski covered with a chunni... but almost no girls in dastaars. so i stand out. a lot. ok, being white in a city of brown folks might also contribute, but i honestly think the dastaar is the bigger head turner here.
this is the first time i've been to india since i started wearing my dastaar. and i've noticed a HUGE change in the way people treat me. for example, the keski wale bibis seem to think i'm part of their club. everywhere i go, when i see a lady in a keski, she immediately says "Waheguru ji ka Khalsa, Waheguru ji ki Fateh!", and come to think of it, so do i. it's weird. it's great. the other ladies just stare at me like i'm an alien, but whenever i meet a lady in a keski, it's like i've met my long lost sister. it's cool. i like it. i feel welcome. i feel home.
the other thing that's changed is that the nihungs, the ones with the giant turbans and huge swords, the ones who settle their steel gaze on the horizon and don't turn their head as they walk... these Singhs have also started to greet me, to return my Fateh and my smile. i'm in shock! the other morning at Darbar Sahib, a stern looking nihung smiled sweetly to me and called me "bhenji". it melted my heart. and i suspect that this too is a by-product of my choice to wear my love for my Guru wrapped around my head.
i'm a stranger in this city, an alien in this country. i get a lot of weird looks and even some comments, i watch school children nudge their classmates and point and whisper when they see me. it's easy to feel like a freak when one is treated like this. but that one out of a hundred who smiles and says "Fateh" changes everything. and so the city of Guru Ram Das has become my second home. and it's not too bad. i like it here. thanks in part to the keski club.

Khalsa mero roop hai khaas.
The Khalsa is my complete image

Khalse maih hau karo nivaas.
I dwell in the khalsa

Khalsa mero mukh hai ang-aa.
Khalsa is my chief organ

Khalse ke hau sadh sadh sang-aa.
I am always with the khalsa

Khalsa mero mitr sakhaa-ee
Khalsa is my closest friend

Khalsa maat pitaa sukhdaa-ee
Khalsa is my mother, father & source of all comforts.

Khalsa meri jaat ar pat.
Khalsa is my caste & creed.

Khalsa sau maa kau utapat.
My creation is through the khalsa

Khalsa mero bhavan bhand-aa-raa.
I dwell in the khalsa who is a storehouse of all my requirements.

Khalse kar mero satk-aa-raa.
I am honoured because of the khalsa.

Khalsa mero pind par-aan.
Khalsa is my body & breath.

Khalsa meri jaan ki jaan.
Khalsa is my life & soul

Khalsa mera satgur poor-aa
Khalsa is my full-fledged Guru.

Khalsa mera sajan soor-aa.
Khalsa is my brave friend.

Khalsa mero budh ar giaan.
Khalsa is my wisdom & knowledge.

Khalse ka hau dhar-au dhiaan.
I always contemplate the khalsa prayerfully

Upmaa khalsae jaath na kahi
Eulogy of the khalsa is beyond me.

Jihv-aa ek paar nah lahi.
I cannot fathom full praise of the khalsa with one tongue.

Ya mai ranch na mithe-aa bhaakh-ee.
I certify that I have not mis-stated anything in the foregoing.

Paarbrahm gur Nanak saak-ee.
God & Guru Nanak are my witnesses to endorse the foregoing truth