ਤਿਸੁ ਬਿਨੁ ਘੜੀ ਨ ਜੀਵਦੀ ਦੁਖੀ ਰੈਣਿ ਵਿਹਾਇ ॥

Without Him, I cannot survive even for an instant, and my life-night passes in anguish.

i’m in such a state of ਦੁਖ, of anguish and pain.  every day i beg for guru sahib’s kirpa, but it doesn’t come.  i have so much karma to atone for.  i know this is the source of my pain, my sadness, my distance from guru sahib.  what can i do to salvage my ragged soul?  my ardaas is a mess of tears and begging and bargaining, as though one can bargain with god.  guru sahib, why can’t i be in your ਨਦਰਿ, your sight, your glance of grace?  is this ਬੈਰਾਗੁ ?   but shouldn’t bairag be blissful longing?  is that even possible?   it’s so painful, this separation, this ਵਿਜੋਗੁ. i plough through my nitnem as though it’s a chore, rather than the blessing i know it is.  even simran seems forced.  ਵਾਹਿਗੁਰੂ only comes from my lips in agony, when it should be an expression of joy.  my daily tasks seem insurmountable.  living in this world of maya seems so pointless. i’m trapped in ਤ੍ਰਿਹੁ ਗੁਣ, and the fourth state seems impossible to find.  without guru sahib’s kirpa, i can’t stand to live.

ਕਬੀਰ ਮੁਹਿ ਮਰਨੇ ਕਾ ਚਾਉ ਹੈ ਮਰਉ ਤ ਹਰਿ ਕੈ ਦੁਆਰ ॥ ਮਤ ਹਰਿ ਪੂਛੈ ਕਉਨੁ ਹੈ ਪਰਾ ਹਮਾਰੈ ਬਾਰ ॥੬੧॥ Kabeer, I long to die; let me die at the Lord's Door. I hope that the Lord does not ask, "Who is this, lying at my door?" ||61||

i wish i could channel this ਬੈਰਾਗੁ into something useful.  i try to practice keertan, but the only thing that comes out of my mouth is:

ਮਨ ਕਿਉ ਬੈਰਾਗੁ ਕਰਹਿਗਾ ਸਤਿਗੁਰੁ ਮੇਰਾ ਪੂਰਾ ॥
O my mind, why are you so sad? My True Guru is Perfect.

and yet guru sahib’s perfection seems so far from me, so inaccessible, my longing for a taste of it takes over my life, my every waking moment is consumed with sadness. 

ਰੋਮਿ ਰੋਮਿ ਮਨਿ ਤਨਿ ਇਕ ਬੇਦਨ ਮੈ ਪ੍ਰਭ ਦੇਖੇ ਬਿਨੁ ਨੀਦ ਨ ਪਈਆ ॥
Each and every hair on my head, and my mind and body, suffer the pains of separation; without seeing my God, I cannot sleep.

ਬੈਦਕ ਨਾਟਿਕ ਦੇਖਿ ਭੁਲਾਨੇ ਮੈ ਹਿਰਦੈ ਮਨਿ ਤਨਿ ਪ੍ਰੇਮ ਪੀਰ ਲਗਈਆ ॥੨॥
The doctors and healers look at me, and are perplexed. Within my heart, mind and body, I feel the pain of divine love. ||2||

waheguru ji, kirpa karo.  kirpa karo ji, save me or kill me.  naam baksho, darshan baksho.  kirpa karo ji.  kirpa karo.