submerged, pt. 2

antim sanskar, the last ritual.  it's supposed to be easy for sikhs.  we're supposed to remember that the body is only the shell for the soul, that the departed is with Waheguru.  we're not supposed to cry or make a fuss.  and i tried.  i did.  i tried not to cry. 

you know how people say that bodies in the funeral home look "lifelike"?  well they're wrong.  she didn't look lifelike at all.  she looked like an empty shell.  i knew she wasn't inside that shell anymore.  but somehow, seeing the shell, i cried.  seeing her younger brother looking curiously at the shell, i cried.  seeing her mother trying so hard to be strong for her son, i cried.  seeing friends, sangat, teachers, family, all walking past the shell, leaving flowers, touching her head, doing whatever they did, i cried.  i couldn't touch her.  because it wasn't her.  i couldn't touch the shell.  i could only think of the soul.  that soul with bright eyes, that easy smile, the happy laughter, the sweet sweet voice singing "waheguru waheguru waheguru".  but the soul is gone from our world.  gone to sing at the lotus feet of Waheguru.  but still, i cried.

after the viewing, some of us followed the body to the crematorium.  i had never seen such a place before.  it looked like a garage or machine shop.  cement floors, no windows.  and a big exhaust vent of some kind.  a huge furnace, ready at the touch of a button.  we did ardaas.  i cried.  we recited sohila.  everyone cried.  and then that was it.  there was no more shell.  only memories of wide-eyed smiles.  echoes of laughter and song.  and so very many people to share it.

we went back to the house for the kirtan program.  we sang shabads about the short nature of life and how much we have to do while we're here.  we sang of the body being nothing, we sang of the soul meeting the husband, Waheguru.  we listened to katha.  we did ardas.  we cried some more.  then, as with every funeral tradition in the world, we ate.  we ate, and we talked. nervous quite talk, trying not to say anything happy, feeling guilt at a small laugh.  i'm not good at this.  i laugh when i'm uncomfortable.  i'm the person who says the wrong thing at the wrong time, and while they look at me like a leper, everyone secretly laughs because deep in their heart of hearts they were thinking the same thing.   why can't i control that passage from brain to mouth?   so we ate, we cleaned, we packed up, we signed a book, a nishan of our presence.  and slowly, little by little, we left.

her mother is a dear and wonderful woman.  i offered to clean her house, do her groceries, anything.  i wonder if she'll call.  i wonder if everyone else made the same offers.  i wonder if she'll ever sleep soundly again.  i wonder...

man thae dhhokhaa thaa lehai jaa sifath karee aradhaas ||4||1||  My mind is cleansed of doubt, only when I praise You, and pray to You. ||4||1||

so every night, i do ardas for the soul, sitting at Waheguru's lotus feet, singing the sweet words of Guru ji.  i do ardas for the mother that she may sleep, and eat, and do the laundry...  impossible tasks in the face of grief.  i do ardas for the family, that they may find peace.  i ask Waheguru, "why this one?  out of so many, why this one?"   but i know the answer.  because every one of our breaths is counted before we are even born.  and she just had less breaths to breathe.  why? because it's hukam.  it's how the world works.

and now we must go on with our small lives, playing our small part in Waheguru's grand play.  wondering how many breaths we have left.

i had debated whether to post this.  people seem to think we should hide our emotions.  they say not to show the photographs i took, not to post details in my blog.  i say, this is my outlet, my way of moving on. my way of healing.  i cannot remain sad.  i can only tell my account and move on.

bhairo mehalaa 5 || Bhairao, Fifth Mehla:

tho karreeai jae hovai baahar || We should feel sad, if God were beyond us.

tho karreeai jae visarai narehar || We should feel sad, if we forget the Lord.

tho karreeai jae dhoojaa bhaaeae || We should feel sad, if we are in love with duality.

kiaa karreeai jaa(n) rehiaa samaaeae ||1|| But why should we feel sad? The Lord is pervading everywhere. ||1||

maaeiaa mohi karrae karr pachiaa || In love and attachment to Maya, the mortals are sad, and are consumed by sadness.

bin naavai bhram bhram bhram khapiaa ||1|| rehaao || Without the Name, they wander and wander and wander, and waste away. ||1||Pause||

tho karreeai jae dhoojaa karathaa || We should feel sad, if there were another Creator Lord.

tho karreeai jae aniaae ko marathaa || We should feel sad, if someone dies by injustice.

tho karreeai jae kishh jaanai naahee || We should feel sad, if something were not known to the Lord.

kiaa karreeai jaa(n) bharapoor samaahee ||2|| But why should we feel sad? The Lord is totally permeating everywhere. ||2||

tho karreeai jae kishh hoe dhhin(g)aanai || We should feel sad, if God were a tyrant.

tho karreeai jae bhool ra(n)n(j)aanai || We should feel sad, if He made us suffer by mistake.

gur kehiaa jo hoe sabh prabh thae || The Guru says that whatever happens is all by God's Will.

thab kaarraa shhodd achi(n)th ham sothae ||3|| So I have abandoned sadness, and I now sleep without anxiety. ||3||

prabh thoohai t(h)aakur sabh ko thaeraa || O God, You alone are my Lord and Master; all belong to You.

jio bhaavai thio karehi nibaeraa || According to Your Will, You pass judgement.

dhutheeaa naasath eik rehiaa samaae || There is no other at all; the One Lord is permeating and pervading everywhere.

raakhahu paij naanak saranaae ||4||5||18|| Please save Nanak's honor; I have come to Your Sanctuary. ||4||5||18||