the company of saints

sa(n)th saran jo jan parai so jan oudhharanehaar ||One who seeks the Sanctuary of the Saints shall be saved.

i spent the weekend in the company of saints.  hours of gurbani keertan.  naam simran.  so much viraag.  so much love.  so much intensity.  every shabad seemed to speak directly to my heart, to my very soul.  it seemed the devotees sang with the voices of angels.   we smiled, we cried, we begged god for kirpa, for naam, for the blessed vision of his darshan, for freedom from our ever-present vikars.   in the company of saints, it all seems so possible, so close.  the combined energy somehow transcended the reality of kalyug lurking outside the doors.  for a few blissful hours, i was alive.  for a few short hours, i was not alone in my begging and longing and crying and love and for a few short hours i knew anand.   

soohee mehalaa 5 || Soohee, Fifth Mehla:

kiaa gun thaerae saar samhaalee mohi niragun kae dhaathaarae || What virtues and excellences of Yours should I cherish and contemplate? I am worthless, while You are the Great Giver.

bai khareedh kiaa karae chathuraaee eihu jeeo pi(n)dd sabh thhaarae ||1||  I am Your slave - what clever tricks could I ever try? This soul and body are totally Yours||1||

laal ra(n)geelae preetham manamohan thaerae dharasan ko ham baarae ||1|| rehaao ||  O my Darling, Blissful Beloved, who fascinates my mind - I am a sacrifice to the Blessed Vision of Your Darshan. ||1||Pause||

prabh dhaathaa mohi dheen bhaekhaaree thumh sadhaa sadhaa oupakaarae || O God, You are the Great Giver, and I am just a poor beggar; You are forever and ever benevolent.

so kishh naahee j mai thae hovai maerae t(h)aakur agam apaarae ||2|| I cannot accomplish anything by myself, O my Unapproachable and Infinite Lord and Master. ||2||

kiaa saev kamaavo kiaa kehi reejhaavo bidhh kith paavo dharasaarae || What service can I perform? What should I say to please You? How can I gain the Blessed Vision of Your Darshan?

mith nehee paaeeai a(n)th n leheeai man tharasai charanaarae ||3|| Your extent cannot be found - Your limits cannot be found. My mind longs for Your Feet. ||3||

paavo dhaan dteet(h) hoe maago mukh laagai sa(n)th raenaarae || I beg with persistence to receive this gift, that the dust of the Saints might touch my face.

jan naanak ko gur kirapaa dhhaaree prabh haathh dhaee nisathaarae ||4||6|| The Guru has showered His Mercy upon servant Nanak; reaching out with His Hand, God has delivered him. ||4||6||

i can't find the words to express my fleeting feeling of bliss, and my feeling of loss upon leaving the presence of such souls.   every samaagam i attend seems to bring me closer, the viraag is so intense it's hard to bear.  and afterwards, upon arriving home,  i suddenly feel so empty, so alone, so far from god...   guru ji speaks repeatedly about the necessity of sadh sangat, but the intense feeling of loss upon leaving their presence gets sharper every time.   their darshan is like a drug.  i want to give up this life of maya and spend every day surrounded by those saints who will carry me across with them.  but i know it's not possible, not at this point in my life.

it's becoming more difficult to write about my experiences.  they're either too intense, or i don't have the words, or alternately, there are long days of empty distance where there's simply nothing to say.   and sometimes, more frequently now, i wonder if i should be sharing them at all...  if i can't explain it accurately, if i can't understand it myself at times, should i continue to try?

ma 5 || Fifth Mehla:

sajan sach parakh mukh alaavan thhothharaa || O my friend, realize the True Lord. Just to talk about Him is useless.

ma(n)n majhaahoo lakh thudhhahu dhoor n s piree ||3|| See Him within your mind; your Beloved is not far away. ||3||

it seems so simple...   see him within my mind. 

and so i go on, day by day, begging and crying for the dust of the feet of the saints.