krodh... anger, wrath, rage, sullenness, displeasure, hostility, indignation, furor... these feelings invade my life, uninvited, unwanted, hated... and maybe that's the problem. hating anger... what an absurd notion. of course hate will breed more anger.
the worst part is that the anger is almost always aimed at myself. my perceived flaws, imperfections, my self doubt... some little comment, some perceived injustice, will let loose krodh. the second of the panj vikar.
Guru Sahib tells us: sathigur dhaeiaal kirapaal bhaettath harae kaam krodhh lobh maariaa ||Through the Kind and Compassionate True Guru, I have met the Lord; I have conquered sexual desire, anger and greed. (sggs 81)
but somehow, the anger remains. anger and ego... these two go hand in hand in my life and they will take over if i don't stop them. if i don't ask Guru to help me stop them. but how do i ask such a thing? i do ardas, begging for peace and release with tears streaming down my face, and yet the anger never leaves. am i so attached to my anger that i cannot let go? is my request to Waheguru not sincere enough? is it so engrained in my personality that i cannot change?
Sabaḏ marai man mārai apunā mukṯī kā ḏar pāvṇiā. ||3|| Those who die in the Shabad and subdue their own minds, obtain the door of liberation. ||3||
Kilvikẖ kātai kroḏẖ nivārė|| They erase their sins, and eliminate their anger;
Gur kā sabaḏ rakẖai ur ḏẖārė|| they keep the Guru's Shabad clasped tightly to their hearts.
Sacẖ raṯė saḏā bairāgī haumai mār milāvaṇiā. ||4|| Those who are attuned to Truth, remain balanced and detached forever. Subduing their egotism, they are united with the Lord. ||4||
(sggs 117)
ahh, to die in the shabad. but how? only through Waheguru's mercy can one reach such a state... i long for it, i beg for it... i try to read gurbani when i'm upset, but my anger comes through the words, creeps into my brain and blocks the Naam. Naam is the solution to my anger, but i cannot reach it in anger. a catch 22, i guess. a paradox i must find the solution to.
sorath mehlaa 3|| Sorat'h, Third Mehl:
bin satgur sayvay bahutaa dukh laagaa jug chaaray bharmaa-ee||Without serving the True Guru, he suffers in terrible pain, and throughout the four ages, he wanders aimlessly.
ham deen tum jug jug daatay sabday deh bujhaa-ee. ||1|| I am poor and meek, and throughout the ages, You are the Great Giver - please, grant me the understanding of the Shabad. ||1||
har jee-o kirpaa karahu tum pi-aaray||O Dear Beloved Lord, please show mercy to me.
satgur daataa mayl milaavhu har naam dayvhu aaDhaaray. rahaa-o||Unite me in the Union of the True Guru, the Great Giver, and give me the support of the Lord's Name. ||Pause||
mansaa maar dubiDhaa sahj samaanee paa-i-aa naam apaaraa|| Conquering my desires and duality, I have merged in celestial peace, and I have found the Naam, the Name of the Infinite Lord.
har ras chaakh man nirmal ho-aa kilbikh kaatanhaaraa. ||2|| I have tasted the sublime essence of the Lord, and my soul has become immaculately pure; the Lord is the Destroyer of sins. ||2||
sabad marahu fir jeevhu sad hee taa fir maran na ho-ee|| Dying in the Word of the Shabad, you shall live forever, and you shall never die again.
amrit naam sadaa man meethaa sabday paavai ko-ee. ||3|| The Ambrosial Nectar of the Naam is ever-sweet to the mind; but how few are those who obtain the Shabad. ||3||
(sggs 603)
i don't even know how to conclude this post except to say that i am lost, a struggling manmukh begging my Guru for direction and answers and peace...
this is probably about me thinking with my MAN and not my heart.
more later..
1 comment:
cFire or ice?
Have you read my 1984 Journal? I doubt I have ever seen an angrier document. I know it was written after extreme provocation, but such events expose ourselves to ourselves.
Anger and ego alsp walk hand in hand in my life. Just when I think I have one under control, the other springs up, then the first reappears and they start laughing at me. At ME!!!
nOW, please, listen closely. I am going to pontificate. YOU ARE EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE AND YOU ARE EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE. Where you are is feeling the need to change and grow. That's great. You feel the need to criticise yourself. That's great, too.
It's hard to explain. Take me. I feel the need to make the world a better place than it is. At the same time, I know that everything is according to the Hukam of Vaheguru (Are you getting sick and tired of hearing that?)
So a) the world is as it should be and b) it needs to be fixed. Does b) contradict a)? Depends on where you are, I think.
('There are people who do not love their fellow man and I HATE people like that!' Tom Lehrer)
The whole thing is like trying to untie a knotted string using only one hand. (I've done a lot of that in the last couple of years.) (I feel a comment about one hand clapping coming up here, too, but that's too easy - and too Zen.)
Remember the old saw about the purpose of the journey is the journey, not the destination. And remember the point of school is learning, not graduation.
It helps me to remember I am where I am, especially when I'd much rather be somewhere else. Vaheguru is much more patient than we. It helps me also, to remember. 'Nirbhao, nirvair' is a goal. I am not Vaheguru, nor yet the bride. But perhaps the fiancee.
You conclude: i am lost, a struggling manmukh begging my Guru for direction and answers and peace... this is probably about me thinking with my MAN and not my heart.
I do most of my thinking with my intellect, but there is an interplay of head and heart, which are not really two different things, but heads and tails of the same coin.
So much for my sermon. I am not sure if it is truth or egotistical ramblings. But it is where I am now.
'I'm with you, but where are we?'
Post a Comment