how did i get here? it's a good question, i ask myself often. and by here i mean this place in my life. i somehow found sikhi, an incredible husband, a meaningful life in a world where meaning is hard to come by. how did it happen? at what point did my path point in this direction?
for most of my life i've wandered. never one to settle down, i've moved, tried different jobs, different fashion statements (some i wish i hadn't) couldn't commit to a relationship, dabbled in philosophy and meditation... typical for an american of my generation i suppose.
i traveled, i read, i researched, i self educated. i used, i abused, and i spent most of my life confused.
i decided to be a buddhist when i was 14. i wasn't very good at it. i discovered alcohol at 16 and realized drinking was easier than meditation, and so i became a disaffected youth with a fake ID.
i tried being a christian briefly, but i didn't buy the pissed off God idea, so that didn't last long.
i abandoned all hope for many years and drowned my pain in various useless ways.
i decided to be a buddhist again when i was a bit older. it went better this time. but the lack of God pulled at the back of my mind and so i kept looking. i studied sufism and loved the music, the poetry, the mysticism... and hated the misogynistic isalmic bits. i thought to myself, buddha was a hindu originally, right? maybe there's something to it. i read and studied and fasted on mondays. i meditated by candle light in front of a cheap metal statue of Durga Mata, begging for strength. she never spoke. i listened to bhangra and watched hindi movies. i partied too much with the wrong kind of people. i drank. a lot.
i went to india.
i went to a gurdwara.
i changed my travel plans, dropped everything, and went to Amritsar. i went to another gurdwara. i went every day. at 4 AM.
i had... a moment of clarity. in one moment, i went from being a confused, disillusioned party girl to having a purpose in life.
i stayed in amritsar for seven incredible days. i put everything else on hold. i threw away my razor and tweezers and bottles of hair colour. i was given a kara and finally felt comfortable wearing it. i bought a Sundar Gutka and read from it every day. i threw away a bottle of wine i had been saving and never took another drink again. i changed my travel plans to include the major historic gurdwaras and skipped the usual tourist stuff.
i came home. i read. constantly. books about sikhs. websites about sikhs. websites by sikhs. forums where sikhs talked, discussed, argued, and occasionally left incredibly insightful bits of information.
i started to cover my hair. i read japji sahib every morning. i went to the local gurdwara every sunday. i stopped wearing jewlery. i met the man who would become my husband. i fell in love with my husband. i fell in love with my Guru. i started to wear a dastaar. i read more. i learned more. i attended my first Akhand Kirtan Smagaam. i fell in love all over again. the clarity continued. in fact, things became more clear.
i offered my head to my Guru. he accepted.
i offered my heart to my husband. he accepted too.
so here i am. my life is clear, defined, purposeful. bani. simran. seva. love. these are the things that define me now.
i look back and wonder who that other girl was. i shake my head in wonder.
all of this, from one moment of clarity.
raamakalee mehalaa 5 ||
Raamkalee, Fifth Mehla:
pavahu charanaa thal oopar aavahu aisee saev kamaavahu ||
Place yourself beneath all men's feet, and you will be uplifted; serve Him in this way.
aapas thae oopar sabh jaanahu tho dharageh sukh paavahu ||1||
Know that all are above you, and you shall find peace in the Court of the Lord. ||1||
sa(n)thahu aisee kathhahu kehaanee || sur pavithr nar dhaev pavithraa khin bolahu guramukh baanee ||1|| rehaao ||
O Saints, speak that speech which purifies the gods and sanctifies the divine beings. As Gurmukh, chant the Word of His Bani, even for an instant. ||1||Pause||
parapa(n)ch shhodd sehaj ghar baisahu jhoot(h)aa kehahu n koee ||
Renounce your fraudulent plans, and dwell in the celestial palace; do not call anyone else false.
sathigur milahu navai nidhh paavahu ein bidhh thath biloee ||2||
Meeting with the True Guru, you shall receive the nine treasures; in this way, you shall find the essence of reality. ||2||
bharam chukaavahu guramukh liv laavahu aatham cheenahu bhaaee ||
Eradicate doubt, and as Gurmukh, enshrine love for the Lord; understand your own soul, O Siblings of Destiny.
nikatt kar jaanahu sadhaa prabh haajar kis sio karahu buraaee ||3||
Know that God is near at hand, and ever-present. How could you try to hurt anyone else? ||3||
sathigur miliai maarag mukathaa sehajae milae suaamee ||
Meeting with the True Guru, your path shall be clear, and you shall easily meet your Lord and Master.
dhhan dhhan sae jan jinee kal mehi har paaeiaa jan naanak sadh kurabaanee ||4||2||
Blessed, blessed are those humble beings, who, in this Dark Age of Kali Yuga, find the Lord. Nanak is forever a sacrifice to them. ||4||2||
5 comments:
Vaaheguroo!
You are truly and "severely" blessed bhenji! I can relate a LOT to this post as I have been in the same boat for a good chunk of my life, and belong to a non-Sikh background as well. This is something I wrote long ago...
Being a Sikh is a lifelong struggle towards perfection. Becoming a Sikh is a developmental process. If one was to convert to Christianity or Islam, you wouldn’t know the difference by merely looking at them. But in Sikhi, one has to change both internally (by reciting Bani, doing Naam Simran and controlling the 5 vices) and externally (by growing kes and beard). Thus the keyword is “to grow”. One grows as a Sikh. “Conversion” as a word may have a negative connotation for some. Therefore I always prefer to think that I grew as a Sikh. Another belief held is that a person is born a Sikh. Only after “mundan” (ceremonial shaving of the head of an infant) is one a Hindu and only after “sunnat” or “khitna” (both meaning circumcision) is one a Muslim. Thus a natural born baby whose body has not been tampered in anyway is a Sikh. It is only by Gurujee’s blessings that someone can actually embark upon this path.
Please continue posting gems!
regards
Mehtab Singh
always stunning
Of course, all of us who call ourselves Sikhs and Khalsa are really becoming those, we never seem to arrive. And what a journey it is! I remember my Dad on his deathbed at age 97 in a dither because he wasn't sure if he was ready to meet his father, Guru Gobind Singh Ji. After being a Khalsa the better part of a century!
Guru Ji certainly called you loud and clear. One thing I have learned about giving your head is that if you ever want it back, Guru Ji may well say,'No!'
If I may do a little cut and paste from Mai Universe:
Let me stop and quote my brother-of-sorts, Dag Hammarskjold: He speaks of 'a glimpse of gold in the iron grey, THE PROOF OF ALL YOU NEVER DARED TO BELIEVE.' And a poem by him:
"Summoned to carry it;
alone to assay it;
chosen to suffer it;
and free to deny it.
I saw for one moment
the sail in the sun storm,
far off on a wave crest,
bearing from land.
For one moment,
I saw…
I don't usually ask, but I will this time because your blog is so very personal:
May I add your blog to the bloglinks on The Road To Khalistan?
it's true the the journey never ends... but at least now i feel more like a train on a track than a blind woman wandering through the mountains... :)
of course, there are still the occasional herd of cows crossing the tracks that slow me down...
but it's comforting to hear the clickity clack of the wheels on the track. :)
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