wow. i just wrote for over an hour and lost it all because of windows vista and it's lovely bugs. some of my best writing too. i guess it wasn't meant to be. maybe it's just another symptom of my life. here's my pathetic attempt to recapture something that is gone forever...
i can't feel much of anything lately, except the pain. the pain overrides everything i do. i want to focus on Gurbani, on Simran, but i'm stuck. stuck in a hole of self pity and pain. i know, ape bij ape hi khahu. it's my karam. i know. my destiny. my punishment.
i plow through my daily nitnem like a chore rather than the blessing i know it is. the beautiful words becoming meaningless sounds that ring hollow in my ears. everyday the Hukam says to remember God. but how can i remember God when the only thing i feel is pain?
Waheguru, why are you doing this? i beg daily for some relief, i beg to be a better Sikh, i beg to be able to focus, to concentrate, to think only of you like you ask, but i can't do it. i feel like there's a glass wall between us, i can see the other side so clearly, but i just can't reach it.
bin gur needh n aavee dhukhee rain vihaae || Without the Guru, she finds no sleep, and she passes her life-night in pain.
bin sabadhai pir n paaeeai birathhaa janam gavaae ||2|| Without the Shabad, she does not find her Husband Lord, and her life wastes away in vain. ||2||
ho ho karathee jag firee naa dhhan sa(n)pai naal || Practicing egotism, selfishness and conceit, she wanders around the world, but her wealth and property will not go with her.
a(n)dhhee naam n chaethee sabh baadhhee jamakaal || The spiritually blind do not even think of the Naam; they are all bound and gagged by the Messenger of Death.
sathagur miliai dhhan paaeiaa har naamaa ridhai samaal ||3|| Meeting the True Guru, the wealth is obtained, contemplating the Name of the Lord in the heart. ||3||
i hate to think of myself as spiritually blind (hello EGO!). but i've obviously not attained the wealth either. i feel like i know Guru ji. i believe i have met him. i gave him my life, my love, my head. but i'm still passing my life in pain. Guru ji says that Gurmukhs do not feel pain or pleasure, everything is anand to them. but how does one escape the pain in the first place? Guru says that we only remember God when we're in pain. pain is the medicine for the disease of worldly pleasure. it's true, i think of Him constantly. but not the way i'm supposed to. every night i lie in bed... waheguru waheguru waheguru waheguru waheguru ik onkar satnaam karta purkh nirbao nirvair akal moorat ajoonee saibhang gurparsad waheguru waheguru waheguru ik onkar satnaam karta purkh nirbao nirvair akal moorat ajoonee saibhang gurparsad waheguru waheguru waheguru waheguru waheguru waheguru waheguru waheguru waheguru waheguru waheguru waheguru waheguru waheguru waheguru waheguru waheguru waheguru. but it gets me nowhere. i cannot focus. i cannot concentrate. i cannot sleep. and because i cannot sleep, i cannot wake up at amrit vela anymore either. it's a catch 22. God is the answer to my problems, but i can't reach him because of my problems. *sigh*
prabh apunaa saas saas samaaro ||
I dwell on my God with each and every breath.
saas saas. saas saas. saas saas. every breath. every breath. i do think of God with every breath. selfishly, i cry to God in pain begging for relief. i cry when i enter Guru ji's room. i cry when i do ardas. i cry as i read the hukam. and every day it tells me how to reach God but i can't seem to do it right.
i watch this video nearly every day:
so much passion, so much love. i had this passion inside me. is it still there? if i dig deep enough can i find it? daily i read more and more, and it never seems to get me any closer. i read it, i study it, i discuss it, but i don't live it.
laekhaa parr n pehoocheeai kathh kehanai a(n)th n paae || By reading books, one cannot reach Him; by speaking and talking, His limits cannot be found.
gur thae keemath paaeeai sach sabadh sojhee paae ||7|| Through the Guru, His value is found; through the True Word of the Shabad, understanding is obtained. ||7||
eihu man dhaehee sodhh thoo(n) gur sabadh veechaar || So reform this mind and body, by contemplating the Word of the Guru's Shabad.
naanak eis dhaehee vich naam nidhhaan hai paaeeai gur kai haeth apaar ||8||10||32|| O Nanak, within this body is the treasure of the Naam, the Name of the Lord; it is found through the Love of the Infinite Guru. ||8||10||32||
within this body. THIS body. right here. that passion IS in here. through the word of the shabad, the treasure of the Naam. right here. inside me.
so why can't i find it?
...to be continued... probably.
10 comments:
Hi jasleen
Neither I want to say "I completely understand what your situation is" nor I want to say "I didn't get you at all"
You know what is your problem
you are walking to this path to reach, to meet your satguru..
These are the words of sant maskeen ji, "pashu soye hain, devta maje mein hain kyonki woh pahunch gaye hain, or manushya hai jo raah mein hai, human is on the way, he has not reached yet that's why struggling",
so why are you upset,
don't you believe in your satguru, don't you trust in gurbani,
You are lucky that you got this pain.
"Mein bin gur dekhe neend naa aave"
"Gur ka bachan base jeea naale, gur ka bachan base jeea naale"
Here I want to share some gurbani albums with you, I hope you would definitely like them,
Nanak Aaya
Chamkan Taare
Baba sheikh Farid Slok
Rehras Sahib Mp3
Salok Mehla Nauva mp3
Japji Sahib mp3
Jaap Sahib mp3
and various other gurbani discourses and albums.
Take care...and must listen to Sri Jaap Sahib discourse, you'll definitely get your answer.
Waheguru ji ka khalsa waheguru ji ki fateh..
Dear Bhenji,
Lotsa vairaag in your writing... Each and every word descibes how much u love guruji.Im sure it has touched every reader.I felt it.. beautiful..
My dear sister,u don't have to find HIM..U don't find what is there with you, is close to you and is in you. Just thank him for being there and feel his existence. Cry.. tears of joy, of appericiation of wanting him more..but not couse u cant find him.. he is there with u. Thank him everyday right after u open your eyes in the morning..Talk to him everyday.He is your best friend , that will never leave u no matter what.
Never have expectations just keep on loving him then u will attain anand.
Hope i have helped you in a way..and if not.. bhul chuk maaf ji.
My dear Bhenji, dearest Jasleen,
I was ready to take my daily walk, but thought I'd better check my Google Reader first. And here you are.
I cannot say that I feel your pain, that is shallow and silly - no one can feel another's pain. Pain, in fact is one of the most intensely personal experiences in maya. I know. I am also in chronic pain.
I can be a bit righteous about the destroyed, arthritic knee and the torn rotator cuff and a couple of more minor things, as these are injuries from a battle as a Sikh; I confess that being able to be a bit smug is sometimes a help.
One practical thing that has helped me is the attempt to find Vaheguru in everything, including the pain. Knowing that everything is the Hukam of Vaheguru, I know the pain I suffer is not only necessary, it is a vital part of perfection. Do I understand this? No! Not at all! But it is something I know and that knowledge is powerful.
I have seen on TV a medication advertised for your particular ailment. Has that been tried for you?
I have another manifestation of my war wounds; I cannot sleep. In 23 1/2 years, I think I have slept well maybe three or four nights. The human physical system is not built to be able to maintain itself under these conditions. Still here I am functioning fairly well. Guru's kirpaa, it could be nothing else.
I will restate what you know well, Vaheguru is in here, not out there. Dig deep within yourself and you will find that she has deposited in the deepest part of your being an infinite well of chardi kala. Look into the well and find Guru Ji smiling gently back at you.
And continue to jap naam, when all else fails, when strength is gone and 99.9% of you wants to give up, you can still jap naam.
And if you find yourself without the strength and/or will to jap naam, try this site:
http://www.waheguru24hours.com/
And thank you for the kind words about our blog. It is truly a labour of love on our parts.
And on a lighter note, your problems withn Vista make me appreciate my dear old Windows98 and my ancient compy.
I might suggest that if you write your blogposts elsewhere and then transfer them to blogger, you might reconsider, as blogger automatically saves what you've written every few minutes. That has saved my posts through several crashes.
Oh, my dear bhenji Jasleen, you are much in my thoughts; I send whatever good can reach you from me to you. Your love of Guru Ji shines in every word you write. Perhaps you don't always see the Jot of God in you, but the rest of us - usually, I only speak for myself, but here I feel confident in speaking collectively - see it bright and clear. Your struggle is beautiful and gives me strength.
Now it is time for my 30 minute walk, knee and shoulder and all.
Remain always in chardi kala, dear sister.
Love and gurfateh!
Mai, TINK
thanks so much for the kind and insightful words. i cannot express how much the comfort of Sangat means to me. so i'll let Guru ji do it for me. :)
ਭਏ ਕਿਰਪਾਲ ਗੋਪਾਲ ਪ੍ਰਭ ਮੇਰੇ ਸਾਧਸੰਗਤਿ ਨਿਧਿ ਮਾਨਿਆ ॥
When my God, the Lord of the Universe became merciful, I came to look upon the Saadh Sangat as the treasure.
SGGS ji, p.81
__________
ਗੋਬਿੰਦ ਸਤਸੰਗਤਿ ਮੇਲਾਇ ॥
O Lord of the Universe, unite me with the Sat Sangat, the True Congregation.
ਹਰਿ ਰਸੁ ਰਸਨਾ ਰਾਮ ਗੁਨ ਗਾਇ ॥੧॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥
My tongue savors the sublime essence of the Lord, singing the Lord's Glorious Praises. ||1||Pause||
ਜੋ ਜਨ ਧਿਆਵਹਿ ਹਰਿ ਹਰਿ ਨਾਮਾ ॥
those humble beings who meditate on the Name of the Lord, Har, Har -
ਤਿਨ ਦਾਸਨਿ ਦਾਸ ਕਰਹੁ ਹਮ ਰਾਮਾ ॥
please make me the slave of their slaves, Lord.
ਜਨ ਕੀ ਸੇਵਾ ਊਤਮ ਕਾਮਾ ॥੨॥
Serving Your slaves is the ultimate good deed. ||2||
ਜੋ ਹਰਿ ਕੀ ਹਰਿ ਕਥਾ ਸੁਣਾਵੈ ॥
One who chants the Speech of the Lord -
ਸੋ ਜਨੁ ਹਮਰੈ ਮਨਿ ਚਿਤਿ ਭਾਵੈ ॥
that humble servant is pleasing to my conscious mind.
ਜਨ ਪਗ ਰੇਣੁ ਵਡਭਾਗੀ ਪਾਵੈ ॥੩॥
Those who are blessed with great good fortune obtain the dust of the feet of the humble. ||3||
SGGS ji, p.164
thanks. :)
Gurfateh sis
My situation isn't too different. I rush through my Nitnem, and then think "Thats it? Its over?" But at least lets thank Waheguru for vairaag.
wow. its a gr8 write up and i think many of us here exp similar situations.
may the guru hold our arms!!
sab gun terey, mai naahi koye,
bin gun ditey bhagti na hovey
i'm going through same...
also i feel like i have no trust in him coz i'm not accepting the cause of pains, why this had happen to me & crying hell out of me & beg him every second of my life for relief & his name!!
just have a faith, Waheguru ji do love me!!
ਵਾਹਿਗੁਰੂ ਜੀ ਕਾ ਖਾਲਸਾ!! ਵਾਹਿਗੁਰੂ ਜੀ ਕੀ ਫਤੇਹ!! Waheguru ji Ka Khalsa!! waheguru ji Ki Fateh!!
some people constantly listen to an mp3 player with Bani, 24/7 or as much as possible,
the volume is low enough that you can have conversations, but loud enough that you can still hear
try it
-Jasdeep Singh
sri akaal ji sahaai
thanks, jasdeep...
your comment made me think of a story i read... i guess in the '80s in Punjab, a lot of young "militants" used to listen to gurbani on headphones all the time. they said that if they were killed by police, they wanted to be listening to gurbani when it happened. :)
your suggestion is a good one. now maybe i can convince my husband that i REALLY need an iPhone! :D
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